Leslie the Elder Gives of His Wisdom

Gather round children and listen to an ancient tale of dark days and darker deeds. I speak of the time before the Green Queen selected her first drones and formed the benevolent and all-knowing hive mind. Go back even further to the days before the retreat of the great ice and the formation of the Amniotic Sea, before even the mighty orca learned to hunt the land. Yes children I speak of the chaos age when man ruled himself with governments and the collective delusion called money guided his path from birth to death. These were dark and strange times children. I know for I was there.

Verily children it was in the first decade of the last millennium and the people of my time were consumed with a sort of madness. For you see, in those days there were no squidbirds dripping delicious hot frothing guano from their tentacled orifices.  Instead we were beholden to a strange and secretive sect of wizards known as “baristas” who, with their arcane knowledge and mystical machines, produced a dazzling array of beverages from humble beans. At first the people of my time were grateful for the baristas' drinks and the baristas, bathing in this good will, expanded their holdings until one could walk from ocean to ocean and pole to pole without being in want for a hot beverage. It was at this moment that the full fruit of baristas' plan was revealed. For what once had been a humble cup of coffee was now a triple shot dulce de leche latte with 2% and extra foam. And with the name came an increase their price until it was many times what they had asked before.

Now the people of my time where a hardy bunch and not easily cowed and they said unto the baristas “You ask to much; we will do without.” To which the baristas calmly replied “Do as you wish.” The people, confident that the matter was closed went about their day. But now the people struggled in their tasks, they were beset by headaches and fatigue until early in the afternoon one of them cried “Enough I will take a short break and indulge in one of the baristas’ concoctions for my mind is filled with a fog.” He went and paid the price asked and drank of the drink and all that was besetting him lifted. Those who worked with him saw that he was refreshed and they cried “Brother, tell us how it is that you do not walk into solid objects and that you sing along to the radio as if in a euphoric state.” To which he said, “I have partaken of the baristas' drink and it is good.” Thusly informed the others likewise partook and found that their own symptoms faded as a bad dream in the light of day. And the baristas smiled for they knew that their drinks were highly addictive.

Things continued in this manner for many years until half a man’s labor went to the barista in exchange for hot drinks. Perhaps mankind would have been enslaved entirely had not the baristas been destroyed during the Atlanteen migration of 2025 but that is a story for another day.