Pod of Cops on Segways
We all remember the video of Commissar Bush attempting to mount a Segway under the careful tutelage of his father. Oh how we laughed, “look, a wealthy and important individual is attempting to ride that silly electrical contrivance, only he’s forgotten to turn it on. Witness, even the mighty may be humbled. Ha.” Well I can assure I was not laughing this past week when my horrified eyes witnessed that which I hoped would never come to pass. Police, the knobby mailed fist of the state, the first and last arbiters of that byzantine coda called law that serves us in place of justice, riding upright with their bristled jaws outthrust, their all seeing eyes cold and compassionless, and their truncheons ever thirsting for the meaty thwack of hardened hickory against long haired skull. And what pray tell was the mode of transport of these cobalt scions of order and oppression? That most diabolical of transports, the Segway.
This is when the tyranny comes to be too much. The iron fist of the police is about to come hammering down upon all of us. Be afraid. Remember the jet packs from Minority Report, the scoop trucks from Soylent Green, and the S&M dune buggies of Mad Max? They are nothing compared to the implications of the police gliding along on Segways. Trust me, we’ll all be yearning for the vehicular oppression of our worst distopic nightmares once Segway use becomes universal.
This isn’t some pipe dream of a far future or an exaggerated allegory of our present, this is the reality just around the corner. Don’t even think about stepping out of line because any transgression will summon a herd of cops at the speed a quick jog. These cops won’t be stopped by traffic or slowed by fatigue in their pursuit of miscreants, at least not until their batteries die, for these officers of the law ride the mechanical gyro-steeds of the future. And no longer will the act of running you down like a wild dog render an officer of the law too exhausted to deliver more than a half hearted drubbing that wouldn’t even kill a baby seal . Instead, the officer equipped with a Segway will arrive at the scene of your beating fresh, relaxed, and always in perfect condition to unleash to full brunt of life’s disappointments upon your person.
Now you might think that this is no big deal. After all a Segway is both slower and less nimble than a reasonably fit individual on foot. Furthermore, a Segway offers the distancing effect of an automobile or a horse, but without any cargo capacity, crowd control capabilities, or added protection to the rider. If one is being entirely honest you might say that a Segway is ideal for persons incapable of walking a short distance under their own power, but that it offers no conceivable advantage for law-enforcement. I guess I’ve changed my mind, this isn’t the beginning of a reign of fascist police oppression, instead it’s another of those bastard children of our perfect republic that we whimsically call boondoggle. Rejoice, for democracy is alive and well in the city of brotherly love.
