The Hours

Every day before breakfast I aim to take a brisk walk around my parent's neighborhood. I read, or more likely saw on TV, that a brisk pre-breakfast walk helps to foster a positive mood. For a few days now I have tried this ritual, but haven't gotten past my driveway, which I should note is an improvement on peering out the side door yesterday. What stops me? The weather. I always like to blame the weather. It's cold here. I don't like the cold. Granted it almost reached 70 yesterday, but it's almost always cold, and I need a few days to thaw out before feeling energetic. Sometimes after a failed stroll I like to surf the internet, googling queries like "sunniest places to live" and "least crime sunniest places to live". When I get really philosophical I wonder if it's not the temperature at all, but the shame I know awaits me when I walk past the curious stares of stay at home moms waiting for their children to be dropped off by the afternoon school bus. Sure I may just be waking up, but really, I stay up until dawn thinking about my opus. My masterwork. Let's see you have such lofty pursuits! Yet there they all are, crowded around the bus drop-off in their SUV's, quietly judging. Well screw you Mrs. high horse suburbanite who drives thirty yards to pick up their kids. Who does that anyway? Gas guzzling eco-rapists, that's who. What happened to walking? It just hit me… they’re afraid of the sunlight. These so called "housewives" are nothing more than aspiring writers. We share the same schedule. We have the same dream. We share the same fear. I've unearthed the rotten underbelly of this seemingly charming community. These housewives are writing masterworks as well. I have stiff competition. I'm late in the game. These women have been at it for years, shielded from societal crucifixion by a kid friendly façade. I am a sheep surrounded by Virginia Woolfs. Well housewives of America, I'm onto your literary pursuits and I'm gunning for you in this, my new column: "Chairs and things on chairs."

- Pates Baroni