Our First Promotional Swag

I was returning to my editorial lair after the successful procurement of office supplies, 6 lbs PBR and 2 lbs green bananas, when something magical happened. I was given a little gift in the hopes that it might make me more favorably inclined, or at least aware, of a coming attraction. Namely “Dr. Dolittle: Tail to the Chief” which is available on DVD starting tomorrow if this pin is to be believed

We here at The Sub-Cranial Cavern are not above being bribed; technically speaking, we are below it. If more people thought to bribe us we would most certainly be far more corrupt, sadly we remain disgustingly pure. However, in the interest of getting more and better bribes in the future, we submit to you faithful readers and marketing executives this pre-emptive review of a movie so intense, so hilarious, and so seductive that it could not be released to theaters.

“Dr. Dolittle: Tail to the Chief” exists in the same sucking quagmire of disheartening hackery and hammery as the original, the remake, and that other sequel. There’s something to be said for a screenplay that had Eddie Murphy saying, “There is no fucking way I will ever do this movie. Besides I’m busy with “Norbit 2: More Fatsuits.” The movie works around the lack of the series signature star by not having one. Instead the title character is the victim of an accidental brain swap with a giraffe. The Dolittle/giraffe then runs for president in the hopes that deregulating stem cell research will help science find a way to reswap his brain. I can’t go further into the plot without spoiling it, let me just say that the hat wearing monkey is transcendent in his role as hat wearing monkey/vice-presidential candidate. I’ve seen a lot of monkeys in people clothes but this monkey stepped outside the archetype in surprising ways and I expect big things from him in the future.

Final verdict: “Dolittle” has more lame quips, flying feces, and broken dreams than any five “Air Bud” movies put together; share it with someone you want dead. Two thumbs up, over, and jammed into my eye sockets.